Jordan Wolfson's Scupture

My friend posted a video of this and I knew I just had to see it. I feel I'm a growing art snob since this is the first time I've seen a piece and wept. Jordan Wolfson seemed to have captured many topics that are personal to me. It's like he read my journal and knew how to express exactly what I felt.

Many of these topics relate to my upbringing. First, the "dummy." It's an observer. The big, expressive eyes, seeing all of the people who visit this piece. It's on a track that's connected to chains. It gets into odd positions. It doesn't seem to have a choice in whether it's pulled this way or that way. At one point, the dummy has his leg pulled one way and gets contorted into a position that would be uncomfortable. Aside from being the observer and contortionist, the dummy is made from many pieces and is not able to stand on its own. All of these are characteristics of my own personal childhood experiences.

Second, the song.  For years after my parents' divorce, love songs were a sore spot for my mom. This song along with the dummy on chains reminds me of how I've watched my mom's heart break repeatedly from unsatisfying relationships.
Conversely, it reminds me of my 20's, when I attempted to date and never had a working relationship with anyone.

It seems like a simple sculpture but to me, it struck me as something related to my life.

Just some Random Thoughts

I like the cartoonist J.Scott Campbell. His style is just amazing.
I'm happy to see some of the fashion designs of Kat Von D. I like the Napoleon type jackets. I just wish it wasn't so expensive. I remember when I used to love the L.A.M.B designs from Gwen Stefani and they were also expensive. 
Last night, I stopped to have a drink at my favorite local bar. I went by myself and spent time talking to lots of different people. I was talking with this one woman and she told me that she had gotten into a bar fight the year before. This guy sat down with us, the way that friends of friends of friends do, and he started talking. Well, he started to get offended that she said "police" like "po-lice" (similar to po-po, if you've heard it). He told her not to "church" it up for him-- thinking that she was saying it that way because he was black and she wanted to impress him. She was talking in a slight ghetto accent for quite some time during the night(and I don't mean to be offensive here, there's just a certain way that people talk and it's people from all different ethnicities who talk like this when they've been in or near the ghettos). She was just out of hot water when she said something in a Southern accent. He was joking that her shoe must taste good. Then, she went on to other topics and said the word "retarded." Now, this isn't in my vocabulary but I work with lots of teens who use it freely and I've grown used to it. I might not have been paying too much attention to the conversation because I didn't hear her say it.  He got really offended and said his son was Autistic. He then associated me with her, even though I had just met her an hour or so earlier. So, he gets mad and if I were her, I would have turned around and just sat there, not talking. Instead, she goes on and on, saying she can't apologize now. So, near the end of the exchange, she says, "Have fun with your son." He was so mad-- tensing his jaw, cussing, and making fists. As I said, I was head down, not trying to get involved. I started talking to someone else about music.
I assumed after this, the guy leaves. He was fairly upset. She even said more things as he was across the room. He stared at me, like, "Did she just say something more?" and I didn't even understand what she was talking about. It sounded like it was something offensive.
I grabbed my keys to leave. She sees the guy and goes over to apologize. It has not been more than 2 minutes. I would not have done that at all. People need about 20 minutes to calm down and if I were her, I would be so embarrassed that I would either leave or not talk to anyone for a little bit. I walked out. He walked out to get away from her and she followed him to his car. He called his friend over, the friend called the bar owner over, and she walked over to her friend who I was talking to. He was offering me a ride home but I hadn't had a drink for at least 90 minutes so, I was good to drive. She started talking to him about how this other guy yelled at her and she couldn't apologize to him. Then, she started crying. If it were me, of course I'd cry. I don't like tense situations. I wasn't sure why she was crying. I've noticed in the past, I've cried because I wasn't getting my way and I didn't like the consequences, i.e. some professors who had given me a bad grade and didn't want to talk to me directly about it. I finally sat down with them and as expected, they did not want to hear any way of working it out meaning I had to retake the class, most likely with them because it was a small school. Sometimes crying is definitely a way to manipulate so I definitely wondered with this girl if she was crying for that reason.
I'm just glad I wasn't in a bar fight because most likely, I would have accidentally been involved just by being around. :(

I've been driving around lately and have seen some guys with signs in one town saying that they will work. I was in a different town and saw someone with a sign that said, "Anything helps." Yes, anything does help but I would respect him more if he said he was willing to work instead of making money by just standing there. I thought about the way that I've seen some women cry while holding their signs. I try to understand that yes, the situation sucks and it's not what they would have wanted. So, it must be at times really trying and upsetting. I don't like seeing their crying because I wonder if they do get more money because they are crying. So, it doesn't feel right to me.
I've seen some people who were working together and it seemed like they had a goal-- like they just needed to get money for something that they were doing, i.e. gas or a place to stay for the night. They were very active, not just walking but like talking to each other and going to different cars with high energy. That's why it seemed that they had a goal.

My roommate's cat is sleeping on my bed right now and she's snoring. I love little cat snores.

I gave up Facebook for Lent. I'm just ready to go back on to edit everyone and switch people over to my professional page-- the ones who I care about but I don't want to get updates about all the time. I want to really reduce my personal page to only anyone who actually interacts with me. I mean there are also people I'm close with who I don't mind getting updates about (but we don't interact much).
At this point, I'm just tired of getting only game requests. I love playing Sims but I don't want to have that be the only way people interact with me. I want to think that I'm funny and that people genuinely care about me.

For a second, I had thought about joining the Catholic church. I was hung up about the story of Jesus but I reframed it to be that he was a saint. I can handle that. As a prophet, I just don't get the story. But today, I realized that my life is too liberal to be a part of the Catholic church. I go to Planned Parenthood and I don't mind supporting their mission for women's health, even when women have difficulties paying for treatment. Health and reproductive health is too important that money doesn't need to be an issue. I also think that in some situations, parents should not be notified about their girls getting reproductive services because that could cause further abuse. I hang out with gay people. I don't want to think that they will go to hell for their sins. I don't think they are sinning. I also didn't like when my Baptist friend said she did not attend her cousin's wedding because the cousin is gay. She said she loved her cousin but she didn't like the sin so she wasn't going to go and support her at her wedding.  I don't want to be like that.
It just sucks because I feel like there isn't a church who believes in God, doesn't talk about Jesus and is liberal. I was a part of the Unitarian church. I had lots of issues with having a community that was so supportive, however, I wanted to talk more about God (and they just can't do that because of the Athiests) and my pastor was very persuasive and wanted to sit down with me to talk about my church hopping. She wanted to make connections for me. And she really wanted me to join the church. I did not want to join as a financially contributing member. I felt that it was about money and I didn't want to keep with it. I didn't like the pressure.I also tend to have issues with consistency with a community of any sort. And as I said before, I also wanted to talk more about God.
I bought a "St. Michael/ Guardian Angel" pendant on Saturday. I keep praying that I get taken where I need to be for that day. I ask for guidance. I even did a meditation to meet a spirit guide today. I met a very high energy girl. I'm guessing it's a new or different one. I think some psychics believe that there's only one. I believe that there are many guiding spirits of pets, angels, relatives and whoever decides to attach to you for a short time or a long period of time. This girl was so fun. She encouraged me to have more fun in my life. Then, I proceeded to have a very long day that only focused on work before going grocery shopping and taking a nap. After the nap, I couldn't concentrate at all. I tried to write and nothing. I couldn't keep my focus long enough to finish a sentence. I definitely couldn't read or do artwork in such a state. I turned off my computer and cleaned up my room a bit before going back on the Internet for funny pictures.

I realize now, as I'm watching Dougie Howser, that he was keeping a journal on his computer-- possibly the first noted BLOG?! LOL. 

So, in order to break addictions, there has to be other options of things to do. So, I felt that I had an addiction to Facebook. I've used Twitter more often. I worry that that is part of the same addiction. At first, though, I thought that Twitter was different and I could use it in a different way. But now, I'm not sure. I just don't know what I want to do. It seems like it's all really the same and I just don't want to be a part of it now.

When I was at the grocery store today, I had to get the store card again. I lost the ring that I had with all of my information on it. So, I go to customer service. Correct me if I'm wrong, but usually, they ask for your phone number and they have the info. They kept insisting that on this computer-- and only this computer, they needed to have either my driver license number or my social security number. That didn't seem right to me. I wondered if I really gave my social security number for a stupid store card. The only thing that I really like about it is gas points-- get a certain amount of points and get up to 40 or 50 cents off of gas. It's kind of nice. But I was reading on the internet that these companies only perpetuate more spam mail. So, I figured that at one time they needed social security numbers to connect people to their spending habits to send targeted ads to those people. This might relate to gas points because it really motivates people to sign up for these stupid cards that track everything.
Once the woman was finished, she said, "Thank you" and then walked away abruptly. I felt like WTF!? Did you just rip me off? Did I, the customer, bother you from your work? But it's also the Connecticut way. People are just sort of mean until you drink with them or get to know them--- at that point, they're your friend forever. It's why I love CT.CA people just don't do that. They're nice until they get to know you, then they don't care unless you have something for them.

Karma and Soul Mates

My Beliefs about Karma and Soul Mates

I believe a few things about karma. One, karma is cycle and patterns. Two, these cycles and patterns can be seen throughout a life and sometimes they can be broken. Three, these cycles can be carried over from previous lives. Everyone has a pattern-- whether it be that they date people who cheat, they can't seem to find love, or when someone is attracted to a certain culture or a certain time period.
In everyone's life, there are ebbs and  flows. Sometimes money, friends, and love are in an abundance; other times you can't pay a bum to hang out with you-- mostly because you don't have the money but also because there wouldn't be one who wanted to be around you. This is just the natural cycle.
What happens in one lifetime can be made up for in another lifetime. For example, if one person had good luck and fortune in one life time, that pattern can either continue or it can b the opposite that they'd have bad luck and misfortune.
Sometimes we have karma with people. It might be unfinished business. It might be that we are changing roles through several lifetimes, like within our families and close friends. This leads into Soul Mates. To my understanding, there are several types of soul mates. There are people who come in briefly into your life and they help you in some way. There are your family and close friends that are meant to be in your life for the long haul. Then, there's the romantic love soul mate-- the one and only. However, I believe that throughout many lifetimes, our souls are going through journey of attaining goals and they're reaching different levels in their journey. Sometimes, we meet with our soul mates before this life and decide whether or not to meet them during this life. It might be that we need to attend to a goal for our soul journey and that goals is so intensive, we won't meet the soul mate.

In conclusion, karma is the cycle of a lifetime and over the course of several lifetimes. Soul mates include many people, including helpers, friends and family, and romantic love soul mates. We can decide to not meet our soul mate in this lifetime.

You're Branded

You're branded. You've been branded from the time you could remember and on. First, you had Fisher Price. You had all these things that Fisher Price made. Then, you moved onto books and movies. All of those are brands. Then, you were at the peak time of consumerism. You wanted toys, you wanted movies, you wanted music, video games, game consoles; you wanted the same brand of backpacks as everyone else, the same clothing from the same brands. You didn't want to be the kid that didn't have those things. Those weren't the cool kids. They were most likely poor. And being poor was looked down upon. You didn't want to be seen as poor.
Today, kids have Disney. Disney brands just about every kid with adventure heroes, princesses, Tinkerbell, and Disney Radio. These princesses and heroes have a character already. There's no need for kids to display any sort of creativity because they know how Belle, Tinker Bell, and Jasmin would react in any given situation.
I really think that any shirt that has a company logo should be given out for free or they should pay you to wear it. You are advertising them. You know these shirts-- Old Navy, Ambercrombie, American Eagle, Ed Hardy, etc. There is no point in buying these shirts. You are advertising for them. Even if it's not obvious, we are aware of brand names. Some people can tell you about an Express shirt or a Calvin Klein shirt and know when they see them. You are still advertising them even if it's just by the tag on the shirt.What sense does it make that you are paying to do their advertising? It's like you're paying to be a walking billboard for them. It's not advertising that you shop there-- although in some circles that would be considered cool.You are just advertising the company.
We've also been branded by jingles, slogans and commercials. While no one wants to admit the power of the influence of commercials, no one wants to admit, either, that there isn't much choice. If you know the name of the brand, then you are likely to buy the name that you know. How many times have you seen a brand you haven't seen before? When you have, have you passed it up to get the name brand? The other day, someone said, "Don't get mad, get glad." He was branded. He's telling me something to kind of make me laugh but at the same time, it made me upset because he's branded. He's identifying that he's branded. He's trying to get me to admit that he's branded and I'm branded the same way. I know the commercial that he's talking about. There are times when the younger generation has no idea what I'm saying, although there's only a few years of difference between us, and there are times when I have no idea what they are talking about because I don't have the same commercial and slogan base that they do.
When I didn't have a TV, it's been interesting to see how people relate to each other. They watch the same shows, start talking about the story plots and where it could possibly go, they talk about the characters they like and who they despise.  At least today, people can communicate to the shows and producers, which some shows and network advertise, such as HBO. There is some interaction. Before, there wasn't. You watched what you watched and that was it. You could discuss it and be part of the cool kids who watched the cool shows.
Even the people who don't think that they are branded are still branded unless they go out of the way to not be branded. If they get hand made clothes or choose to make their own. And the people who think they are rebellious by dressing out of the norm or dying their hair-- are still getting their clothing and hair dye from somewhere. You can't run away from being branded. It's not easy. You can't even run away from being a consumer. You're always a consumer and a slave to money.
Now, choose which brands you really want to advertise and what you want to say about yourself when you choose what you wear in the morning or afternoon and night. Also, consider buying dolls and toys from toy shops. No, not Toys R Us or K.B. Toys. I'm talking about the little toy stores where there are educational toys. These places also have princesses and ballerina and action figures that don't have a defined character-- meaning that kids can actually use their imagination to create characters, stories, conflict and resolution.

Safety in Mental Health Facilities *Warning: Graphic Photos*

 I've been following the story of safety in California state mental health facilities. In October of 2010, a patient who had permission to walk around the Napa State Hospital grounds cornered a social worker between two buildings and beat her to death. Employees there said that each one of them had been assaulted by patients.
Today, NPR did another story (linked here) about the California state mental health facilities, particularly one in Los Angeles. The employees picket at lunch time, gathering support from those who drive by. They had talked about it's not if they get assaulted, it's when they get assaulted. Even though California is in debt, they were able to give an extra $10 million dollars to the state facilities. I'm not entirely sure how many state hospitals there are and if this includes any state hospital or just the mental hospitals, but if there's more than 10, that's about or less than $1 million dollars each. They are the only state facilities that are hiring during the time of debt because there are great issues with safety. In the article, Diana Dooley, the secretary of California's Health and Human Services Agency, says that even $100 million dollars isn't enough "in terms of advocates of the patients and the workers and the need." No, no, I think that $100 million dollars is enough to hire more people, have police presence, and to ensure safety regulations and precautions of both workers and patients.

I wonder about the facilities that are not state run. In the 1990's, many state run facilities in CT were closed. Some former patients are still being reintroduced into society and trying to make it work with some state supported agencies. Others had difficulty and were sent either out of state or to other in-state facilities. There are a few for-profit, privately ran facilities remaining in CT. Although the state and federal government can give money for certain things such as becoming a teaching hospital or accepting patients with state insurance, there is little that can be given in the name of safety.

This is the arm of my coworker, Mike, after a rough code from a young patient. Codes are when patients' behavior are out of control.

I worked at a privately run behavioral health facility for over 2 years. For two years, they worked me hard and often criticizing every little detail while not showing much appreciation for me or many other workers. At some point, they decided it would be better if they were a hospital that accepted patients with state insurance. For all of its history, it had been a place for upper class (wealthy) people to go to when they were mentally unstable. It had been a place where there was a sense of community and stays were long. Over the course of the years, the length of stay became shorter and shorter and the patients have become increasingly hostile and physically aggressive. Once the state insurance was accepted, patients who had been in prison and who were low income were admitted. The staff was concerned at the onset that there would be issues with people who had previously been to jail for violent crimes.

I saw many fights, heard of many attacks, and witnessed some of these attacks on patients and staff. The administrators were saying that they were not admitting violent patients while all staff knew they were. In one instance a patient (Patient A) was isolated from the community because he attacked another patient (Patient B). And staff and administrators blamed the Patient B for flirting with the Patient A. They did not point out that the Patient A waited for the chance when no staff would be around so that he could attack her. It could be that the administration's definition of violence was different from the rest of the staff.

Administration felt that they would be best to cover their own butts. They made every person who worked for the hospital, including the desk clerk, secretaries, and people who worked in the gift shop, to attend a safety meeting. They gave lots of cock and bull stories and emphasized that everyone had a role in safety. After taking this course, any incident that caused harm to a patient or staff was blamed on every staff who was around. This included the injuries sustained to a security guard who was injured while pulling two patients apart during a fight. He was blamed for the injury because he was doing his job. This safety meeting was developed after they had lawsuits on their hands (Isn't that a big surprise?-- sorry, had to get sarcastic there for a second).

This is another angle of Mike's arm after a rough code.

The fact is that many of the nurses and mental health workers say repeatedly that there aren't enough staff, especially for evening shifts and on weekends. An evening weekend shift has the least amount of people. Patients pay attention to these things. If they were to make sure of a calculated time to attack others or to get out of control,  they would do it at that time.

Administrators and doctors have the most control over policy. They also tend to have numerous biases and lack understanding of the duties of mental health workers and nursing staff. I challenge any of the doctors or administrators there to work as a mental health worker at mental health worker pay for a week. I would expect that after experiencing the difficulty with duties as well as  lack of  good pay, appreciation, and other staff around, there would definitely be changes. On a side note, many mental health workers work 16 hours and go home for 8 hours only to come back for another 16 hours. If you've ever been up for that long, it doesn't make for a good, alert worker. I would hope that doctors and administrators would have a better understanding of the difficulty of a the job of a mental health worker or worse if they could even imagine being in that job.

After I gave my notice to terminated my employment there, there were more out of control patients, security guards who usually work at night would be called in for earlier shifts, and more of my sweet coworkers were attacked. A known violent patient was admitted while the doctors and administrators were surprised and said they didn't know how that happened. In the following four days of this patient's admission, he assaulted at least two staff and knocked out another. He was supposed to be in chemical restraints, which meant that he was on a great amount of medication that made him too drowsy to do much than sleep. He went to a facility for violent patients where staff receive hazard pay and can retire at an early age because of the difficulty of their work. As time has gone on, I have encouraged all of my coworkers to demand hazard pay. At this point, I'd love to see them picket and watch administration scramble.

At this point, the LOS is very short, staff is burning out fast, and the administration is only looking at the bottom line and to protect themselves. They appear to me to have little interest in the well being of staff or patients. It's gotten the feel that staff just baby sits and can't do anything while patients act out or require higher levels of care than the facility can't provide.

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As you can tell this is a subject that I'm very passionate about and will continue to write about.

Thoughts on Videos of Draco Reptilians

About two years ago, a patient was admitted to the mental health facility. She was about 17. At times, she could keep herself together and other times, she would talk about the evil and reptilians she had read about on the Internet. To say the least, I was curious about these things she had read. I had been told many times that the two bumps (I assume they are from using expired eye make up) on my eyelid scare people because it reminds them of a lizard. I was fearful that she would think I was a reptilian person.
Here's what my eyelid looks like:

Lately, a friend on Facebook has been posting videos and articles about the Illuminati and Reptilian people. Since most of the video clips are from youtube, I tend to get lost in looking at them. I've seen a lot of Reptilian videos where the person assumes that if you are watching it, you know what to look for. I saw one that was explained what to look for (the link is here ). This and other videos include:
1. Blinking more than 3 or 4 times.
2. While blinking, "whatever they wear over their eye" is pulled upwards.
3. As they change on camera, they put their hands in their face or divert away from themselves.
4. A green tint around their eyes or mouth.
5. Scaly skin particularly around their eyes.
6. Eyes look cat-like or reptilian.
7. Teeth appear to come and go.
8. There's a large amount of Reptilian women who are in porn and their eyes and body change right on camera. 

First, the blinking. There are many politicians and news anchors who blink a lot. It might be because they are lying, nervous, or it's a character flaw. It's a difficult thing to overcome and control.

Second, none of this stuff is at all contributed to camera, computer or processing glitches. Many of the videos, (an example is here ), can be contributed to just glitches. I try to put myself in the theorists place. A few explanations that I can think of are that their energy field affects the camera or an overall, "that's what they want you to believe." At one point, I even thought if it happens to the same person over and over again then maybe it's more than coincidence. Then, I did see incidents happen again and again, with two different reporters. I thought about the likelihood that one of the reporters has the same equipment on scene with her all the time since she is often "on scene."  The other one is often reporting from all over the world and the feed is not so great so there are glitches.
Third, a lot of points three through seven are tough. The video quality is usually bad-- from either the original recording, the recording of the original, or by the pixilation from their tampering with the video and image. I don't think anyone accounts for stage lighting or angle. I've seen some videos where people are moving around quite a bit and in some angles their eyes and teeth look one way when in another they look completely different two seconds later.

Fourth, the women in porn. Yes, this again. Eyes change a lot depending on mood. What they were showing in these videos were women giving blow jobs (that were delicately removed from the video to only focus on the face of the woman) and when she looked up at the guy, her eyes changed. Maybe she's just really into it and that's why her eyes are changing.

Some thing that I keep in the back of my mind is that a lot of these videos have either some soft music (and usually does not match my taste) or nothing at all. Now, maybe you haven't had these experiences but there are videos out there where it's quiet and you're looking at a scene, focusing really hard when image quickly comes on the screen, screams and scares the bejubus out of you. I find myself staring so hard at the screen and it's usually quiet that I start jumping ahead in the video to make sure that there's nothing that's going to pop up to scare me.

In the end, I think if I could see a well polished video with some admission of skepticism, I might really consider these theories. Right now, it's easily dismissed with simple psychology, as well as lighting, cameras and computer glitches.

Things I take into consideration when it comes to porn

Porn is one of the many issues that feminist tend to have heavy debates over. There are certain facts I agree with the anti-porn feminists about- 1. porn is tough work and 2. people are exploited when they do it. Most anti-porn feminists want porn banned. I definitely do not agree that society would be better if porn were banned.

One of my main concerns is that if porn gets banned, where does the censorship stop? Many people know the saying that they can't put into words what porn exactly is and how it becomes obscene or offensive but they know it when they see it. My imagination goes to the extreme-- when would a picture or painting of a naked body be allowed? I worry that people would become very sensitive to any nudity, whether or not it was art or porn or artistic porn, and that there would be no naked pictures. Two areas that I'm concerned about is where would people find informative pictures about their bodies and would videos about techniques or "how to spice up your sex life" type movies be allowed? I also wonder about romance novels and erotica literature. Do they get banned too? I don't have the answer for those questions. In the past, when porn has been banned from being mailed, great works (such as Playboy and Lady Chatterly's Lover) as well as information about women's bodies and birth control were constricted. I am very concerned about this happening  again if porn were banned.

If there were no naked pictures, there would be some consequences to this. One, people would not be informed about their own body. There are some medical artists who would be able to do justice to an informative representation of a penis, vagina, or breast. It would not have the same effect as seeing real pictures of the body. While the medical pictures can be descriptive of what is average, it cannot entirely describe the variety of vaginas and penises that are out there. Two, there are people out there who aren't great at socializing. It may be because they are mentally or physically handicapped or just socially awkward. You may or may not know someone like this. Without porn and without nude photos, these people would be at a disadvantage. Just like everyone else, they have the right to happiness and for some, that can be masturbation in leui of a relationship with another person. Most of the time these articles written by anti-porn feminist are focused on the perceived inner workings of violent men. They make claims that men watch porn, begin treating women like objects, and raping and murdering them. And there are a few people out there like that. Those people also watch TV and drink water (yes, that was a flippant statement, made in jest). Those aren't the people I'm talking about. I'm talking about the sweet people. The ones who yearn for relationships. The ones who go into their fantasy world of having wife or husband or lover, someone who takes care of them, someone who they would love and adore. They're the ones who want sex and to make love. Yet, they don't. They don't have that and that goal may or may not ever be achieved in their lives. They have the right to view porn, if they choose. I dare say, it can even be healthy.

The other main concern is that if porn continues, there needs to be strict standards. Companies should be boycotted if they allow actors and actresses to wear out their bodies i.e. work for hours, doing multiple penetration, etc, to not wear protection, and not get independent health check ups on a regular, 3 months at least; 6 months at most, basis. There are some porn companies who already have these type of standards. What I would really like to see is people going into Russia to change their porn industry. I understand this is a big thing. I have found Russian porn is the most offensive. They really do make you believe that they are raping and murdering women. If it's not the real thing, it sure looks like it.

An important factor that I consider if how much more women are paid compared to men in the porn industry. Most research focuses on men watching porn and women as the actresses in porn.  I tend to focus on the opposite-- women who watch porn and men as the actors in porn. In all the research and opinion articles, women who watch porn are ignored. There is little said about the men in porn movies. It seems that others dismiss them. By ignore them, it could be possible that these writers are objectifying them or minimizing their role. I imgine that the reason is "Oh, they're just a penis" or "They enjoy having sex with women anyway."

All-in-all, it's best to consider the other ways that porn impacts society. Allowing porn to continue opens up the pathways to have easy access information about the human body. Porn also benefits those who are socially inept. Still, there needs to be better standards of care for all actors and actresses who choose to work in this industry.

It's Unethical

Being a therapist and counselor puts me in a field with some amazing people and with some people who know how to get through school and take tests. I have known people who will do anything for their patients/clients and have known people who have no idea what they're doing. I seem to have a never ending "a therapist did that!?" list.
One of those moments came a few days ago. I saw video of Dr. Drew talking about Charlie Sheen. Dr. Drew said that he had not spoken to Charlie Sheen. Dr. Drew made it a point to mention his 20 years of experience, he has seen this many times so he is able to talk about the symptoms and his diagnosis of Mr. Sheen.
Although I've been in this field for a short time, I find it offensive that Dr. Drew is being his usual entitled and intrusive way. Dr. Drew not only felt it necessary to give an opinion about someone who he has not talked to but felt that he needed to justify it with his expertise.
As a part of my education, I had to take an ethics class. This usually meant having more questions than answers. There were some absolute guidelines. Most of those were surrounding the client/patient. However, we discussed at length about boundaries. There are lots of boundaries in this world. And one of them is to not to make assessments or diagnoses on people who has not met with a particular therapist. Another is that even if you have an opinion about someone, keep it to yourself.
One thing that stood out to me is being aware of myopia. When a therapist becomes myopic, they only see what they know. I had a supervisor who only worked with people diagnosed with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. Eventually, she only saw art work in terms of psychosis. She once had a patient who drew a fountain the day before he tried to commit suicide. So, every colorful fountain seem to be a symbol, in her mind, of suicidal thoughts. While I respect any therapists' years of experiences, it may mean that they might only see what they want to see and are used to seeing.
In my experience, people are different when they are a celebrity, in the public eye all the time, and expect cameras to be around than when they have privacy and are in their own home. Everyone has a public persona have a private persona-- i.e. differences between being at home, at a doctor's office, and being at work. To judge only what one person does in public is not getting the full picture of the person.
I saw another doctor on Access Hollywood on a clip from the show "The Soup" (seen here ). The Soup's host said that the doctor was not dressed like a doctor and sarcastically said "Access Hollywood did the responsible thing and had a doctor diagnose Charlie in a completely unprofessional setting off a poorly made video, edited together with scary music." I think even Joel McHale can sense the unethical nature of these doctors who are willing to go on TV to diagnose a celebrity or someone who they have not met.
There's two issues I want to talk about briefly here:
One is that often the TV media outlets have a list of professions in various fields. For example, one of my professors had been on a TV show talking about robbery. When Winona Ryder was caught shoplifting, someone from the media contacted my professor, who had to explain she could not give her opinion about shoplifting since her expertise was in robbery (and the difference between the two). Anytime a TV show needs a professional, they go to this list. I have seen some crazy things on shows that use these lists.

The second item I want to bring up, which I have written about before, is when a person asked an art therapist to judge someone's artwork without watching the artwork being made. A woman approached me and asked me to do this regarding colors. I don't think that one color means the same thing to everyone so I didn't say anything about color. I did talk briefly about the patient's focus and what she said about the artwork that was made. In The Secret World of Drawings, author Gregg Furth does just this. He goes through various children's pictures as well as some pictures by famous artists. He writes a "how to look at pictures and analyze them" type of book. While there are some insights he makes about artwork, there are others that are very much up to interpretation. Basically, I wouldn't feel comfortable using his insights in practice. I would want to talk to the person, observe them making the artwork and if I couldn't do that, I'd at least want the person to tell me about the artwork.

Bottom line here is that these TV doctors have to keep up with boundaries and understand that diagnosing someone without talking to them is unethical. It seems that there are many doctors and therapists who have boundary issues and who feel entitled to diagnose or make assumptions based on whatever they find important or intriguing. I hope that these are just a few bad examples and that most people can see that this is all wrong.

CT from a CA perspective

I grew up in California. Currently, I live in Connecticut. I'm starting to "pass" as a Nutmegger or New Englander. Yes, the people who are from Connecticut or live in Connecticut are called Nutmeggers. In the winter, I seem to notice the particular differences between CA and CT.
One of the first thing I noticed was the hooks and coat racks. When people are out dinning, they can either leave their coats at the door or they put them on hooks conveniently located around the place. I've seen this and had to do this at bars and restaurants. Since the winters in the Bay Area and on the coast of Southern California are mild compared to the East Coast so, these hooks are not required.

I lived with roommates and during the fall, they started making comments about the weather and the leaves. This is part of the culture of a East Coaster. As kids are growing up, they watch the news as they comment on how the weather is going to effect the color of the leaves. My crazy roommates were saying that it was too dry and the leaves were going to turn brown. I didn't care much for this. I didn't see the big deal. As I drove my 30 minutes to work, I noticed the trees along the side of the freeway were in various states of green, yellow, orange, red, and brown. There are some great undulating roads, perfect for seeing the foliage.

During Spring, the showers of rain are really heavy. They're almost torrential. And people know how to drive in this. They even drive fast. They do not worry about oil on the roads. Sometimes it floods, yet, CT is mostly flat so they don't have to worry so much about the mudslides or flash floods. The hilly areas aren't around the coastal areas and the coastal areas are the places that flood. Also, people know how to drive in the snow.

People know if they have gas, electric, or oil heating. This becomes a debate. Which one is more expensive? I've had mostly electric heating. So, my electricity bill goes up about 100 to 200 dollars during the winter months. I lived in one place with oil heating. The shower was cold for about 15 minutes before it was scorching and then went back and forth between scorching and lukewarm. This did not make for a happy me. When the oil went out, I didn't really notice. The water didn't heat up for about 25 minutes and then was lukewarm. I didn't get the heater to work in my room so, I didn't know it was colder than usual. When it was fixed and I had to learn more about oil and the machinery in the basement that I had formally ignored, it was complicated and weird. It was all pipes, levers, and doodads. "And if it gets cold again, quickly switch this on and off to release the water, it'll be hot." I moved out about a month later. It was around $400 up front for the oil. My coworker recently had problems with his oil and it was $150 up front to get someone to come out to even look at the thing. Some places have free heating. It's definitely a selling point.

"Do you have front wheel or rear wheel drive?" I didn't know this was something important until I moved and was asked about it for the first time. My Toyota was a rear wheel drive. This is good for the snow. I also have drum breaks. This is also good because they don't have as much issues as cars with break pads. The drum breaks also help during the snow as long as snow doesn't get stuck in there. I spun out about three times (one in 2008 and two in 2009 on the same day). The first time, there was damage to my car. I hit the center divide. My coworker had the suggestion to follow trucks because they'll set the pace for what's safe to drive during the snow. The other two times, I was able to remember to take the hands off the wheel and the brake so I wouldn't try to overcompensate and fishtail. Yes, a person basically does nothing when they are sliding on snow and really, it's less scary that way. With front wheel drive, it's difficult to drive in snow.

I bought a car. Now, in California, you shop, you pick, you buy, and you drive away that day. You get a sticker to put in your window and go on your way. The title is on colorful paper with an embossed seal on it. CT is very different. You shop, pick, and then sign. You wait three days before driving off the lot. If you want to drive the car before then, you get to put on "Dealer Plates" with a piece of paper giving you permission to have those plates. Then, you sign, sign, sign, and then you get new plates for the car, they send back the old plates, and you get print out. That is title to the car. I think it's weird to have new plates every time you buy a car. If CT wanted to save money, they could get rid of that whole process and keep old plates on the cars.

The attitudes of people are very different between New Haven and the Bay Area. This was expected. When I lived in the Bay Area, my friends would easily cut me out of their life if I did something they didn't like. It was if they didn't have to worry about having other friends because there were millions of people to choose from anyway. New Haven is a small city. I think New Havenites understand psychology better. Although, they are not always smiling and welcoming as people in CA, they are friends for the long haul-- not superficially. If you mess up, they throw back a beer, either they tell you you f**ked up or they say that things need to change or don't do something and they continue being your friend. My friends and I joke that there are only 10 people in New Haven and you'll run into them at some point. And sometimes, there are only 5 people, it's just that they have different masks that they wear. There have been many a times when I was walking somewhere with a friend only to hear my name being called from a friend to join in on festivities.

I don't know how many people have told me that they either think I'm crazy for moving from San Diego to New Haven because everyone wants to live in San Diego. My thought is, "Yeah? You move there." Many people say they'd rather have tornadoes and hurricane winds than earthquakes. People are afraid of earthquakes. I say, "They're not that bad." I talk about being in the 1989 Loma Prieta Earthquake and some other earthquakes, including one while shopping near the beach in San Diego. There were lots in the middle of the night-- the bed shakes and then it's over. I think it's funny. I can't believe how many people say the same thing-- "They have earthquakes out there."

I don't know where this little gem came from but for a long time, I heard people talk about how California has "that free education." People apparently go out to CA and they have a free college education. I wish I would have known about this because I would have liked to have a free education. However, my education cost significantly less than even the community colleges here. My undergraduate work at San Diego State cost around $1,000 for the first semester (with 17 units) and around $1,300 by the time I was a senior. My graduate courses cost around $3,000 for two classes. Community colleges cost around $300 per UNIT, one class is around $1,000. In San Diego, one class is around $300 for a community college.

I thoroughly enjoy driving around 3 hours and being in a different state (if not two states), which is way different than CA. The whole length of CA is more than a 12 hour drive.

As my experiences grow, I will be able to write about more differences.

The Travelings of Middle Class White Women portrayed in Pop Culture

I've been reading the book Tales of a Female Nomad. I've been thinking about the culture of traveling to "exotic" places and it's role lately in popular culture. With movies such as "Eat, Pray, Love," "Sex and The City 2," or popular books like Medicine Woman. It seems that women, on the brink of divorce or with nothing better to do, go traveling to foreign (non-Western) countries or to visit non-Western cultures. With the exception of Tales of a Female Nomad, these books and movies include predictions from the very wise non-Western people from these "exotic" cultures. It gives the impression that every older non-Western person must have psychic abilities.
When I think about it, I think that's it's not only rude to the "exotic" culture, it's rude to the people in United States. Where are the movies about the men going on adventures in foreign places, the ones that don't include guns? Where are the movies or reality TV shows about letting a poor person of any race go on a grand vacation to some place they would never dream of or to those hard hit areas where assistance is needed? Where are the documentaries about the countless church goes who are building houses, going to orphanages, and who are assisting people in countries outside the United States? Are there good documentaries about cultures outside the United States, maybe ones where you just observe, no narration about what outside cultures who don't speak the language think that these other cultures are doing? I would rather see those and hear about those than to have these ideals about women in foreign countries and how safe, amazing and bourgeois it is.

Art Therapy and PTSD

PTSD and Art Therapy

With Veteran's day passed, some people have been raising awareness about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This happens when a person goes through something like war, persistant abuse, rape, and other traumatic events. Sometimes it can be a singular event (a person gets robs at gunpoint) or it could be a series of events (childhood abuse).
There are many symptoms to PTSD such as flashbacks, hypervigilance, anxiety, and depression. If you want to know more about PTSD symptoms, check out: http://www.webmd.com

Doing and Undoing
Freud talked about this as a defense mechanism. Say you thought something badly against someone and to undo that thought, you were extremely nice to them.
There are two ways that this comes out in art therapy:

1. Repetitive drawings.
There was a kid who was in the behavioral health hospital who went through a fire on Christmas. He drew Christmas trees over and over again. Sometimes he cross them out. Other times the firefighters came and put it out; then, the Christmas tree would turn to a scribble of blue. Sometimes the fire engulfed the tree and it turned to all yellow and orange scribbles.

2. Piecing back together
There was a Veteran who saw someone's hand blown off. He made a hand out of clay. The clay messed up. He was in tears, trying to get the hand back together. Eventually, he did put it back together and then was able to move onto peaceful pictures of jungles.

In both cases, the people in therapy were trying to control the things that had happened to them. The construction paper and the art materials themselves were a way for the trauma to be contained. They could regain themselves.

Revealing
The point of therapy is to get out what is on a person's mind. Trauma tends to stick with a person and they can't always talk about it to everyone. Sometimes these events and the issues surrounding the event come out anyway.
Talking isn't always a container. Sometimes when a person talks about events, they tend to feel raw and unsteady emotionally as well as have difficulty calming down. The advantage of art therapy is that people can talk about their art. Sometimes they don't even have to talk about their art or about their issues. They get to keep their secrets. The pictures will reveal what has been on their mind. Art gives a person a chance to reveal something without having to talk about it. This could be important for a person who has difficulty sharing. It may even lead to a person disclosing about traumatic events.

Regaining Control
When a trauma is happening, a person doesn't have control over the event. Some people with PTSD assign a great amount of blame to themselves, more than they actually had, as one way to gain control.
Another way to gain control is to gain mastery over art materials. This could be as simple as making a collage or as learning a new art technique. It also can be that on their paper/canvas, they can do what they want. As was seen with the kid with repetitive drawings, he could try out new endings for the event.


Art can help to manage symptoms of PTSD in several ways, including doing and undoing, revealing and regaining control. In using art, people with PTSD can start to process events and symptoms.

First Amendment Rights to Porn

I read an article (Here ) interviewing Gail Dines about her new book Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked our Sexuality about the porn industry. Her basic idea is that porn has become more violent and it's taking a toll on the bodies of the women involved in porn. Since 11 years old is when a boy usually looks at porn, then they are seeing these things and are affected by them. The more a man looks at porn, she cites, the less likely he will be able to form and maintain an intimate relationship. So, ban porn.

All throughout this interview, all I could think of is, "How does this relate to me?" She did not drive this point home. Porn is not the only reason why people are having less romantic relationships. While she mentioned that media takes ideas from porn, I don't believe this. It's society as a whole that encourages people to be selfish and encourages people to have superficial relationships where "they get theirs" and "only for fun." This can come from people who don't watch porn or watch non-violent, normal porn. The idea that sex is just for fun (not about intimacy) has emotional consequences that are not addressed by media or a support system since sex is a private act and most people don't want to talk about it. Sometimes support systems (friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances) encourage the behavior that may be destructive to the person and their health. The idea that sex is for fun affects everyone, not only men.

Also, Dines only focused on men and boys. What about girls? It is the assumption of society that girls and women don't look at porn. In fact, sex and porn are a big taboo and I don't see how a girl could resist something that is so taboo. The idea of girls and women looking at porn is such a taboo, people don't even want to research it. It might be that women are negatively affected by porn-- they may not have the body for it. They may not experience sex the same way as the women in porn. For me, when I've been interested in seeing an aspect of sex such as female ejaculation, I've found videos of it. I rarely watch porn, though. Maybe I'm not the average American but I have a feeling that there are a majority of people who rarely watch porn. Where do they fit into Dine's article? Are they affected at all? I also don't watch TV very often. How are people who don't want much TV affected by porn? Porn and sex advice/sex technique videos can be informative sometimes. Yet, more research would have to be implemented to look more closely at women who watch porn.

There was a time when I believed that porn was degrading to women, it objectified women, and that it would be better to ban it. It wasn't until college when I started to look at the converse of this belief. I wanted to know why porn was still around if it was so terrible. I found a book called Porn 101: Eroticism, Pornography and the First Amendment. Some of the articles were amazing. One was written by a sex therapist, Marty Klein. Another written by a lawyer (whose name I can't find at the moment). Marty Klein wrote about how censorship harms people. For example, when was the last time you saw a loving couple on TV who began to have a healthy sexual interaction-- kissing, foreplay, and eventually sex. What about the last time you saw someone on TV talking about the emotional aspects of sex? There might be some shows but it's not a lot. People get the extremes of sex, it's either nothing or crazy, violent porn, and people don't see the healthy aspects of sex. People might turn to porn to learn about physical aspects of sex. What other resources are readily available to a person to learn about sex? The lawyer fights for the right for the porn industry to continue. While it does fall under freedom of speech, it also is a good idea to have regulations on the industry so that preventative measures can be put in place to protect against gonorrhea of the eye or AIDS. Also, whenever there's a feminist whose trying to ban porn, I think about the porn made by women and the porn by feminist. Where does that fit into a ban on porn?

Now, I open it up for discussion. What was your first experience with porn? What impact does this have on you?

There Is Such a Thing

*Trigger Warning* Sexual violence*

Someone told me the other day that if a person was a prostitute, they cannot be believed when they said they are raped. I simply dismissed the statement and said, "Prostitutes can still be raped." She hemmed and hawed saying, "Yeah, well," in a rather uncomfortable way. I felt like screaming. I think there's a tendency to blame the victim or even dismiss the victim under the circumstances. It may be that the only accepted form of rape is a woman being raped by a stranger when she's not walking down a dark alley (because hey, if she's walking down the dark alley, she may be "asking" for it by putting herself in a dangerous situation). We easily dismiss women (or men) who were drinking and could not consent to sex-- well, she shouldn't have drank that much or she should have known what was in her drink. I know of someone who was blamed for her rape. One girl was told by her roommate at the time, "You had to be a big girl and go out on your own." Really, going to a bar by herself meant that she was open to being raped? She was meeting friends and it was one of the friends that raped her. It's not like she met a stranger. She was comfortable with the person.
I also think it's easy to dismiss marital rape. Yes, a husband can rape a wife just as a wife can rape a husband. I bet such things goes under reported. In traditional Christian marriages, the woman is the servant (or to submit) to the husband. It may be my opinion, but this makes it sound like she is also obligated to have sex with him whether she wants it or not. It's also easy to dismiss marital rape because the couple may decide to stay together. This is a different idea from the mythology that only strangers rape people and they never see each other again.

Another issue I think plays into this is that generally, people don't want to believe that this happens. I was trying to convince my neighbor that even in church sex abuse scandals, people blame the victim or refuse to believe the person and stick by the priest. My neighbor had a difficult time understanding the concept.

On top of that, there are police. I'm not sure if police have any idea what they are doing when it comes to rape or sexual abuse. A person I knew who was raped at a young age by an older man and she was told that there was a difference between rape and regretting sex. They insinuated that she actually regretted sex and was not actually raped. It took years for her to talk about and more to even talk about how it felt like rape. Another person reported that the police didn't believe her since she was drugged and woke up three days later without her clothes. They said she could arrested for a false report. So, when it happened again, she was resistant to coming forward. What if they didn't believe her again? What if she was arrested for a false report?

I have no doubt that there are people who abuse the system. They blame people who were not to blame. A friend told me that his ex accused a man of rape and the guy was sent to jail because she didn't want to admit that she had sex with him. She knew that admitting that she had sex with him meant that my friend would not date her again. I wish that people like this friend's ex did not exist. They ruin things for others who had real experiences. In reality, people lie and there's no way to protect against these type of liars because that would mean that people might blame the victim more often than they do. We saw this in the Kobe Bryant case where the media was saying that this woman tried to say that Eminem raped her so she could get money. No matter if that's true, it is still possible that Kobe Bryant raped her.

When I encounter opinions like this, I really wonder about how many other people think the same way. I also worry that these people are also in the therapy field. What if someone did not realize that this was a bias and was seeing a patient/client with these problems? I hope they would not doubt them. I try very hard to make sure I'm educated about what's helpful for someone whose been through rape and sexual abuse because I don't want to be like that friend, roommate, or police officer that blames the victim.

Spells, Witchcraft, and Its Effects

I had a dream last night where someone told me that there was a love spell on me. I believe it. I put two and two together because an ex friend had told me, when we were friends, that he did tarot online. It was also no secret that he had a huge crush on me and often told me he loved me. While it's going to be difficult to confront him about this, it got me thinking about the time I used witchcraft and spells.
I was about 12 when the movie, "The Craft," came out. It's about 4 teenage witches and the trouble that ensues after they decide to invoke the spirits and get revenge on the people who've made them upset. After this movie, I went to a store in Berkeley and bought my first witchcraft book. It seemed pretty good for my first book-- lots of traditions, chants, celebrating of certain saint days, etc. I remember the bookstore owner saying something to the effect that witchcraft books have been flying off the shelves because of the movie. My neighbor, Diana, her cousin, Sarah, and I all tried some things like candle magic, burning things to see what happens (hair of people we don't like, cloth of people we don't like, paper with the names of the people who made us upset, etc). We liked to think we were very powerful witches.
I had lent my book out a few times. The two people said it was weak and that it shouldn't be lent out. I'm glad it didn't go farther than that.
What I remembered most of all were two spells. There was one for love and there was one for silence. The one for love was used mostly to attract my ex who I thought was the end all and be all. But upon reflection, he may have liked me but he didn't pine for me the way that he pined for two girls in his life. I may have just been someone cool to be around because we liked each other.
The other one was for silence. I knew some people who were gossips and they were mean. They would constantly say things and start rumors just to get people upset. I put a few silencing spells on them. But for the most part, they worked on me. I spent many years quiet, depressed. I blame myself for those spells and their consequences.
While I did start at a young age and had the potential to become a strong witch, I knew that I didn't want to be in that world. It was nice to dapple in it. I definitely have a respect for it.

Just a few years ago, one of my psychic friends came to me and asked me if I put a spell on him. While occasionally, I had a crush on him, it wasn't strong enough to even think of a spell to put on him. I relayed the story about my spellcasting and he knew it was true. It turns out, it was one of my close psychic friends who was going through a nasty divorce-- she put the spell on him. I still harbor some resentment against her from what she did. But also, I knew (and didn't tell her) that she was going to have a miscarriage because she had messed around with spells. She text messaged me throughout the whole ordeal of the miscarriage. She was looking forward to this child and was devastated when she had a miscarriage. I knew I wasn't to blame because I had asked others if they had visioned the same thing and they knew my reasoning for not telling her. Spells have too many consequences at my age or her age.

I think witchcraft is something to try when a person is young and can do stupid stuff. It seems like the consequences are minimal. But as a person ages and they want to try to get into spells or withcraft, it's an energy that has to be respected. If not, it can have some major consquences. I don't know what is going to happen to my friend but he's messed with some things that are going to cause major problems in his future. He's gotten things off balance and it might be a steep price to restore balance.

Sexuality and Societal Messages

After reading The Heart and Soul of Sex by Gina Ogden I've been open to new ideas about what is considered sexuality and the messages media passes along. Traditional sexuality focuses on performance. It's about blood flow, physical responses, and orgasm. It also considered to be between only a man and woman and most likely only in missionary position after marriage. This seems like a narrow definition.
But there are a lot more things to consider about sexuality, such as emotional aspects, our thoughts and values about sex, spiritual aspects and I'm not just talking about what religion tells people about sex but also the difference between making love and having sex. There is the physical side but it goes along with the other three areas. Also, there are many ways to be sexual and with whomever you choose. This is all what Ogden, a sex therapist, addresses in this book.
I started noticing little things here and there about what our culture thinks sex is. One incident that I talked about with some coworkers was that of a patient. This patient is uncomfortable with his sexuality and wants to not be gay. He was uncomfortable being around men. Basically, his family said that he could not be gay because he would go to Hell. He does have obsessive thoughts and wants to be perfect. Given that he has these messages to not be gay and he wants to be perfect, he has a great amount of anxiety about who he is. This was one incident I had noticed.
Then, I saw the video for "Rude Boy." I had not heard this song before and was quite shocked by the message. It was another message of focusing on the physical aspect of sex. The song has lyrics about a man whose considered a "rude boy" and the female singer asking if he can get an erection and if he's "big enough." She repeats "Take it," which Anna Marie on Feministing.com noted relates to possible sexual violence and devalues the experiences of rape, sexual abuse, and domestic violence that men have to endured.
"Can you get it up?" is not a new message. It has previously been seen in advertisements for Viagra. Erectile dysfunction is a serious issue, however, sometimes it seems that the emotional aspect of sex has been ignored because there's a pill to increase blood flow. The pill doesn't care if the man has a caring partner where there is open communication. Nor does this pill care if there's stress in the man or couple's lives. It's simple increases blood flow so he can maintain an erection. Some messages from society ignore the emotional aspect of sex, focusing only on the physical aspects.
It's a good idea to take into account that not all of the messages about sex are the ones we have to accept. Everyone has their own values and morals. If the traditional way of looking at sex is how the one that a person wants to adopt and it fits their life, then what's the harm? However, there are people who are harmed by these values as their own, as we've seen with the guy who was uncomfortable with his sexual orientation, then a person might want to reconsider their morals and values about sex.

How I keep a Dream Journal

I remember my dreams and sometimes post snipets of them on facebook as my status. Most people wonder what I was on or what I have eaten before bed. The truth is that I remember my dreams because I've kept a dream journal for the past few years (maybe 4 or 5). There are many ways to keep dream journals. This is the way I do it.

I have a journal next to my bed. It has my regular journal as well as my dream journal on loose pages. I use printer paper (or unline paper). I fold it into threes so that I can write on two thirds and the last third is for comments, drawings, maps, etc. I find maps most amusing because sometimes, the maps are really of places I frequent every day but the symbols and the way it's presented to me are completely different. When I do this, I think I'm genius. It's like decoding a very difficult code and finding it's genius in it's simplicity.

I wake up a little early so that I can write any dreams down. Sometimes it takes a while to remember them. Sometimes I write down the little feelings I have about what I may have dreamt about (this is where I suggest most people begin).

All advice about writing dreams mentions-- write it down as soon as you wake up. Sometimes, in a hurry, I'll write little notes to come back to later. Of course, even if I don't come back to it, I capture the main events.

As time goes on, you'll remember your dreams more often. Then, you can start experimenting.

When I first started keeping a journal, I had a check list of different themes that had come up in my dreams-- such as my dad, my school, my childhood home, my boyfriend, etc. This way, if they came up, I'd just check it off. I also used to write themes on the third colum but I grew bored of that. Now, I mostly use it for notes like things I was thinking about that might have been a reason why I had this person or this happen in my dream. Sometimes I add details that I remembered later on.

There are two things I do on occasion that are fun with dreams:

1. Write down a question before going to bed (this may be about something about your future) and in the morning, write down the dream.

When I was thinking about going to grad school, I wrote down the question, "What's my next step?" The dream was that I was on a train to New Haven. This was so clear that I knew that I had to follow it. I moved from California to Connecticut to attend graduate school.

2. Test out lucidity. There's a technique that during the day, look at your watch, look away, and ask "Am I dreaming?" When you look back, it will probably a second or two later.

When I did this, it came up in my dream. I looked at my watch and then my arm felt like it was unable to let me look at my watch again, as if my arm was so heavy or being held back that I couldn't look at it again. I knew I was dreaming because I couldn't look at my watch again.

The purpose this type of lucidity is to only realize you're dreaming, not to control dreams. Sometimes it's helpful to just know you're dreaming so you can enjoy it.

Hope that helps some people who were wondering about my crazy dreams.

High School Reunion Show

I saw the previews for the next season of a reality show called High School Reunion. For the people who go on there, high school seemed like it was important in their lives and there was a certain dynamic that I don't understand at the moment. I'd say I knew a good amount of people in high school. I knew them from different grades. I had people in the same classes over and over again, like the typical English and maybe some science and math classes. When I look over the lists on facebook of who graduated from my school in the same year, I don't recognize most of them. When I do recognize some of them, it's from seeing them from far away at school. They're not someone who I ever talked to.

So, I started thinking, if I were to go on High School Reunion, who would go with me and start entertaining drama? There were very few people I could think of. There's Matt, an ex, who I had frequent crushes on after we broke up and sometimes I hung around him because we had the same friends. Maybe Austin who was a close friend and he shut me out for a time in high school. When I asked for answers after high school, he had none. Austin is now married and although it's weird for me, I trust that he's with who he loves. He's a passionate person. If Rachel and I hadn't started talking and being friendly, we might have had some words for each other in person but I think that we didn't like each other in high school because we cared about each other and were hurt about things that happened.

As for other people, there are two people I can think of that would be entertaining if they were in the same room. One is my friend Michelle. I won't give the name of the other person because he most likely would be mad. Michelle and this guy were very close. I was also close with this person at times. Michelle and I were close for a time. Then, everyone stopped talking to each other in high school. Michelle and I are on good terms. I saw her when I went back to visit a few years ago and we talked and filled each other in on what happened in those times we weren't talking in high school. But this guy has sent emails to her on social networking sites basically saying he's not going be her friend and not fully explaining the reasons for that. He has also rejected my friend request to him with no explanation. I would ask him what I did as a 15 year old that he's mad about but it's his loss. There's definitely something there but I don't know what it is. It would make for good television if he was confronted.

Maybe it's because I'm still young. Maybe it's because I've forgotten the harsh words said to me or why I was mad at whoever. I'm trying to understand how people in their 30's can hold on to these high school experiences and want to be in a house with people from high school. I question their maturity. As for me, if I were every to go on a show like that, and it would be a big "if," I might not even know the people in the house, nor care about something that happened so long ago.

Rec. Therapy and Training

My internship supervisor gave me a little discussion to read about the difference between recreation therapists (which is my current title at my job at the hospital, before I get my masters, then I will be called an art therapist) and art therapists. The discussion was basically that if rec. therapists think they are the same as art therapists, they will ask to be art therapists without the proper training. This got me thinking about two things: one, how much I love the title of rec. therapist; and two, the idea of training and schooling.

First, I love being a rec. therapist. I have a lot of fun. Although art can be anything and therapy can be just about anything, I enjoy that I don't have to bring up art materials all the time. I can bring up the materials to make no-sew pillows or other little projects. While this is a craft, I can see that these are transitional objects and that they can really give the client a sense of achievement. I can also bring up a white board and play "Wheel of Fortune" or Pictionary. In the past, these have been very beneficial to clients in challenging their mind and getting their thoughts off of whatever is going on in their life or the hospital. With the children, I have also gotten little tubs of water that are good for getting kids to get their hands wet and play a little bit. I also have books about drama techniques. Most of my seasoned coworkers come to me for tips and ideas because they know I'm full of them. I like feeling unrestrained by materials.

Second, the idea of schooling and training. Although I agree that some training and oversight is necessary, there are lots of people who just know things and are good at what they do. The beginnings of therapy started with Freud being interested in what was on the mind of middle and upper class women from Vienna. After that, to be a psychoanalyst, people had to be in analysis for 6 years and then they'd be able to take the techniques and apply them to their clients. However, now that there are standards, which can be a good and bad thing, people often learn about only certain types of theories or they learn things for a test and then cannot apply it to their clients, etc. This has happened to me and others. I am encouraged to take a test to get my LPC (Licensed Practicing Counselor) so that insurance can bill me. The LPC test is a lot of money, the book to study in a lot of money, and I won't be tested on much that I learned in school. Also, after taken some practice questions recently, the test just seems to want to trick people into answers. Basically, the people who made it want people to think with their ninja mind. And after this test, whose to say that any of it applies to what I'm doing at the hospital or where ever I am. Sometimes I'm glad that there are standards, however, that still doesn't mean that a therapist is good, that they know what they're doing, or anything like that. It means that they can jump through hoops and take some tests. Yet, there are people with natural gifts that Iwish I could hone in on and they don't have degrees due to whatever circumstances.

I'm glad I was sparked to think about these things by a woman being passive aggressive. I do enjoy my job and I enjoy school. I don't think those things are going to make me a professional. I think job experience and having morals and ethics will help me become a good therapist.

Art Therapy is not a Mystical, Magical Thing. It's not Mind Reading.

I was thinking today about an incident that happened to me. This woman came up to me after my group and after she had had a visit with a patient and asked me what the patient's drawing meant. She wanted to know what it would all mean. I told her the only thing I could tell her was that the patient was quiet when she was coloring it in. The woman had taken a class in art therapy and she had a dictionary about color so she was going to go home and look it up. I didn't say anymore about it. My thoughts went to the reasons why looking up colors that she used is not a good idea.

Some people think that art therapy, or that therapy in general, is really mind reading. We'll tell people things that they're thinking or going through or just know things that they don't want other to know.Some people think that therapist will know things that the client doesn't know about themselves. And if we get mad at a client, we'll use our powers for bad things. People might think that art therapy is more like mind reading than talk therapy because some people have symbols in their artwork and a client might think that a symbol can be interpreted as something else instead of what it means to them.

It doesn't help that there are dictionaries about color or books that basically say, "If you draw this, it means this other thing." But my point is that therapy is not like this. An art therapist should not start telling a client that using red and black most definitely means the person is depressed. It matters about behaviors. It matters about what the person says about the artwork. If a person is using a lot of black and red because that was the colors of their high school football team or because they really like tomatoes with pepper, and on top of that, client doesn't act depressed, then that theory doesn't apply to them.

Art therapy is about what the client says about the artwork. And each therapist has their own theory. For example: I'm a Feminist Jungian type of therapist. I think that people have patterns of behavior that repeat in their life until they notice them and choose to stop them. Societal expectations and gender roles hold people back from pursuing what they want or being the type of people they would like to be. If something's on a person's mind, it will come out whether I ask questions about it or not. For artwork, I like to ask people questions like "If your artwork were a type of music, what type of music would it be?" or "If your artwork was a type of food, what type of food would it be?" I don't ask "why," or "what inspired you to make that?" because the answer most likely is going to be "because I felt like it" (that would most likely be my answer). People don't have to be realistic in their artwork for it to be expressive. And they're not coming to me for me to be an art teacher to them. For my personal self, I like there to be a question or a memory I have in mind while doing the artwork or a "directive" to the art because I get to know more about myself that way. But in practice, I mostly let people choose what art materials they would like to use. I do this because it's probably been a while since people have done art and they just have to experiment with the art materials.

Freudian, humanistic, and behavioral art therapists would most likely practice a lot differently. Some might use more directives. Also, art therapist can choose the medium or style they'd like to use, such as comic books style, clay, photography, graffiti, and others. Some art therapists are more about what symbols a person used and not what the person said about the artwork. But they are trained so that they are not impeding a person's personal growth, assuming that's why they're coming to therapy.

So, therapy is not mind reading. Therapists don't tell you things about yourself that you wouldn't know about yourself. And they don't tell you things that you don't know about yourself. Also, art therapists have different styles, however, it's supposed to help in your art and growth.

I'm Not An Art Teacher

I'm not an art teacher. I'm studying to be an art therapist. I know that traditionally, people take art classes and want to learn techniques to make their drawings look more realistic. When's the last time anyone took a painting course in how to make things look surreal? I'm sure they're out there but I don't know much interest in them, other than people already in the art community.

I'm studying to be an art therapist. There are some art therapists who were artists first and they are trained traditionally. My internship supervisor is one of these art therapists. There is much conflict already between art therapists and their titles. Art therapists fight to not be called the arts and crafts lady or the art lady. We try to not be just artists or just therapists.
My internship supervisor suggested, as she has before, that I take an art class. In the past, this has really pissed me off. I did a piece I wasn't happy about and then she told me that I needed to take a human figure drawing class to improve. I didn't do it. So, now, here she is again. She's waiting to see my human figures and the way I draw.

Since joining the art therapy program, I have become more expressive. At first, this caused a lot of anxiety. I had been taught traditionally. And anything outside of picture perfect was "weird" or "outsider" art. But as I've learned to express myself and enjoy using art materials, I have been less strict with myself about making anything traditional.
In the past year, I've worked as a recreation therapist assistant (it's just a title, I actually run art activities in a therapeutic session and without my license, at this point, it's NOT art therapy). In the past year, I've maybe been around one or two people who liked their artwork to be perfect and traditional. If they are, though, they usually are in a class. But a majority of people I've seen don't mind a little doodle here or a word or two here. They even like coloring pages. I also bring a lot of collage materials. I think collage is good for people who are too anxious to draw and have it be like a picture.

I resent my supervisor, though, for suggesting an art class. The first time, I wanted to pull out past art projects and show to her that I could do it. But I didn't. I just festered and sat with my anger. Now that I have an awesome professor who I can talk to about the issues in internship, I feel that I can change the angry energy into something else and not let it get to me so much.

Yes, she believes that an art therapists should demonstrate to her that they have art skills. This is a lot of pressure that I don't want to deal with. Yes, I do have these skills. And no, I'm not going to share them with her because it's better if I just do my thing and not worry about how she (or others) might judge me.

Only one or two people who I've worked with in the art activities wanted to have something perfect. I think they wanted me to draw a star. I wouldn't and said I didn't know how. And they've said, "How are you going to be an art therapist if you can't even draw a star?" While it's a low blow, I don't think my art therapy license will ever depend on me knowing how to draw a star. I often encourage the clients to do their own artwork, no matter if they like it or not, because eventually, they do like it. They do get a sense of achievement. I don't want to take that away (and I'm not going to draw stars either!).

Vanessa